Nige and Andy's Beerfort Scale

The results of an intensive study into the wondrous properties of beer

Oh, nutritious beer!

Level 1 Beer Humour
All the jokes you tell seem funny.

Level 2 Beer Jumper On
Suddenly it doesn't seem so cold after all.

Level 3 Beer Goggles Cut In
Members of the opposite sex become more and more attractive. Beer goggles have been found to magnify quite weakly at first. Large enhancement factors can be observed after persisted beer swilling.

Level 4 Beer Incontinence
Once the first wicket's down that middle order just don't hold their own and before you know it you're caught in the slips.

Level 5 Beer Compass Activated
It doesn't matter where you are, you'll instinctively know where bed's to be found. You could be stuck at a rowing lake separated from your crash zone by two miles of byzantine Amsterdam road system. No probs!

Level 6 Beer Furnace Fully Stoked
You assume that familiar beverage-head inner warmth. A walk to the cashpoint in a woefully thin T-shirt is nothing to worry about. Snowing outside? Ten minutes to last orders? Let's go!

Level 7 Beer Assisted Dancing Prowess
Get on the floor, you're MC Hammer. You've got the coolest moves. You're impressing everyone with that hotstepping. Wave your arms, you think it looks cool. Actually you're a flailing morass of limbs bouncing off anything that gets in the way. Go and have another pint.

Level 8 Beer Special Powers
Great! You can do anything. Leap over the highest barriers in a single bound. Scale walls with ease. You can carry five full pints at once. It's OK! You can read peoples' minds. You know that so and so fancies you. It's as plain as the nose on their face.

Level 9 Beer Knowledge
You can't fail on the triv machine. You become temporarily fluent in foreign languages. You're all knowing. There's no task too great, no problem too taxing. Astrophysics? Easy. Quantum theory? It's piss! Simultaneous differential equations? Don't humour me.

Level 10 Beer Invincibility!
Great! Take on as many Keble boys as think they're hard enough. You can feel no pain!

Level 11 Beer Distance Dilation
Einstein got it all wrong. What he should have said is that distances appear shorter the closer one approaches total inebriation. I mean it's never as far on the way home is it? I suppose we should give Albert some credit though. He was half right, because time also passes quicker to a drunken observer. For instance, if you go into St John's Lower Bar just after last orders for 50p's worth of pinball and a quick game of triv, this will actually last about four hours. We are currently trying to increase our knowledge of this 'Lower Bar Timewarp' effect but, as yet, it is not yet fully understood.

Level 12 Beer Forgetfulness
It's blank out time. Remember anything after about twelve? Pouring beer in your lap? That random pull? Smoking that cigar? Eating that kebab? How you got home?

Level 13 Beer Compass Malfunction
Nightmare! You've gone too far! Primary systems shutdown. Where are you? Where's the pelaton? Where do you live? That gutter looks real comfy.

The beerfort scale was inspired by the combination of a bad hangover, an early outing and a lardy brekker.

Updated 26th March 1996.

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