Pauly P's guide to sculling on the Isis...

in 7 easy lessons

Lesson 1 - Getting afloat

Getting the boat out of the boathouse is by far the most important part of any outing - it is at this point you can tell the difference between a true professional and a proper Isis sculler. Real pros have all manner of cute techniques for boating (carrying the scull on his/her head, getting in without doing up the gates, pushing straight off the raft before even sitting down etc etc) but they all miss out on those valuable minutes spent occupying the raft so no-one else can use it..

Lesson 2 - Pushing off the raft

Look both ways to see if anything's coming, check your stretcher, check the gates, look both ways again. Still nothing coming? Try checking a few more bits and bobs.. some crew are bound to paddle past sooner or later. Wait until they're 30m away, and push off. Now start adjusting something else so they have to steer round you..

Lesson 3 - Warm up

Without a yappy little cox to tell you what to do, you can shoot through the warm up stage as quick as you like. 1 stroke each of hands only, 1/2 slide, 3/4 slide, 7/8 slide 15/16 slide and then full slide normally does the trick.. now you're off and moving, don't forget to look around for other boats - not only are they bigger and faster than you, but they've got a turning circle of about a mile. Keep all this in mind and you'll soon be able to get in their way with the merest flick of the wrists.

Lesson 4 - Spinning

As we discovered in lesson 3, the single scull is the rowing equivalent of the spitfire - light, agile, agressive. Turns on a sixpence. When faced with the usual Michaelmas logjam of boats spinning at the end of the navigable river, the seasoned college sculler will fight his/her way through the spaghetti of blades, boats, other scullers to get to the clear water right at the end, where no eight will dare to go. Here, you can spin in any of a number of styles - 'the washing machine' - huge great washy heaves of alternate strokes, normally takes only 2 or 3 of these to get round, 'the pretty boy' - tap turning, which is a lot harder than it is in an eight, not to mention only as efficient, 'the handbrake turn' - turn one of the blades over (as for backing down) and plant it in the water before you've taken the run off the boat (warning: this is quite often mistaken as the first move of 'the crab' which is a more advanced way of stopping the boat). But why bother fighting your way to the very end of the river, past all the stationary boats? Because once you've spun, you get to fight your way back!

Lesson 5 - Sculling

So, you can boat, warm up and spin - what next? Sculling in straight lines, maintaining a fixed distance from the bank is all very well and good, but what's the outing plan? Typical college scullers will only be out in the scull at all because all their mates have gone home and there's no-one to row in an eight with.. you're not used to this freedom, no cox, no coach. The best way to occupy oneself is to 'adopt-a-plan'. This is normally quite easy - after spinning, hang around near a college eight, and try and overhear what the coach is telling them (pretend to be taking your top off, or adjusting your stretcher). The coach will normally advise some kind of schedule - 2 mins light, 2 mins firm etc etc.. The 'adopt-a-plan' method is to copy the plan of another crew, but modifying it so as to confuse their cox as much as possible. eg. if they are doing a sequence of 1 minute alternating light/firm.. do the same, only in anti-phase (so they're alternately racing up behind you, and then you shoot off into the distance). Inexperienced coxes will not twig that when they change, you change, so will be forever pulling out to overtake you not realising that you're about to disappear. This is all much more fun than working to your own plan - and if their coach reckons it's good for them - how bad can it be for you?

Lesson 6 - Exercises

We've all done them in eights - square blades, inside hand off, shouting 'pine-ap-ple-chunks!' during the stroke.. but what about sculling? Once again, we discover that sculling has it's own set of problems that need special remedies. Here's some common sculling exercises designed to improve competence and professional appearance:

• 'The rig' - get the boat out of the water and tap various bits of it with an adjustable spanner. If you can get hold of a pitch gauge or height stick then great! Don't actually change anything - since there's never anything wrong, but it's always good to claim that you're trying some new experimental rig/gearing combination in case someone thinks you're sculling badly.

• 'The Lightweight-Square-Blades' - rig your scull so high that you have to reach well above your shoulder level to bury the spoons (this itself takes considerable skill, or to borrow the boat of someone 5st heavier than you). You will now find that feathering is completely unnecessary, as your blades are well clear of the water at all times, sometimes even during the drive phase of the stroke. This looks very cool to your average college rower, especially the ones who don't notice the 'knee wiggling' that is sometimes necessary to keep the boat sat.

• 'Facial Expressions' - with both hands occupied (if you're doing it right) the scullers capacity for gesturing is vastly reduced. A wide range of facial expressions must be perfected to make up for this eg.: 'The Grimace' - used for implying that the 20 strokes half pressure that you're doing is really the last 20 strokes of a flat out 2000m piece. 'The Scowl' or 'Dirty Look' - a good long scowl at an inexperienced cox who's not quite managed to get out of your way in time works wonders, often producing a momentary lapse in concentration and sometimes even a crash with the bank - amazing.

• 'The echelon' - (requires mates) Sculls only usually take up minimal space on the river.. they're slightly narrower (blade tip to blade tip) than sweep oared boats, and much shorter. You can increase the space occupied by scullers by sculling in loose formation with 1 or more other like-minded scullers. For instance, 3 scullers paddling in a wide formation together can easily occupy 4 times more river than 2 eights paddling indian file - despite having only 1/6 the personnel. Sculling in flights of more than 3 is wasteful - why not split into 2 or more smaller groups?

Lesson 7 - Landing

You've sweated your guts out, thundering past all the other crews on the water (stopping only to get your breath back once you're round the corner out of sight) but how do you land? Take note from the experiences of novice coxes: come in too steep and you risk sculling up onto dry land (a bit like that part of "Live and Let Die" when the speed-boats are chasing round the Louisiana rivers bouncing up over roads and gardens). Come in too shallow and you'll end up having to scrape yourself in with the blades, or worse still, having to ask a tourist to pull you in. The only sure-fire method is to come in slowly, about 30 degrees to the bank, aiming at the front part of the target raft.. as soon as you feel the bow ball hit the raft, lean out slightly. The bow ball will scrape along the front of the raft, turning the boat as it approaches, until you are left perfectly parked, slightly shaken, but not too badly bruised. The bow ball will tend to wear out every few outings, but that is, after all, what it's there for. All that's left is to fall out of the boat onto the raft, and the outing's over. Well done!

Some notes on advanced techniques:

• Falling in: Another element of sculling which is rarely seen in sweep oared boats.. (the closest analogue being 'crabbing out' which is still possible in a scull, though indistinguishable from 'falling in'). Most fledgling scullers manage this step early on in their career, and this is normally acknowledged with a friendly "Scullers are split into two main groups - those who've fallen in and those who are about to" from other scullers who happen upon the scene. While it's true that you haven't really sculled until you've fallen in, it's not true that the more you fall in the better the sculler you are.

• Cleaver blades: Far more fun than macons - and they definitely make you go faster (although only because they're so much fun that you scull more).

• Dealing with Coxes: You have to remember that coxes are fundamentally in awe of scullers - not only do you do the same job as them, you get it done with a lot less noise, facing backwards, and while rowing at the same time. This makes coxes feel insecure about their value to society, at best, and most will do anything to keep their boat and their blades from impeding your majestic progress. Every now and then, however, one cox won't be paying you the full attention you deserve, and you may have to swerve slightly, easy for a second, lightly brush some oars or even backs of heads, just to remind them of your presence. This is where "The Look" comes in (see 'exercises' above). It is important that you don't say anything because that relegates you to just another cox - and they know immediately how to deal with those - just practice "The Look" which says it all so much more eloquently.

• Cruisers: Cruisers are mostly steered by people even more selfish than scullers, some of them even wear little captain's hats - cute. It's worth noting that if you can't go fast enough to overtake one, then they're most likely breaking the speed limit (about 5mph) - don't hesitate to tell them this. And if you can go fast enough to overtake them, get in front and then slow down, this is really funny.

• Punts: the real fly in the ointment - Punts are the only craft on the river under the control (!) of someone who is apparently beyond the law and the rules of the river. Even if the 'driver' can understand you when you shout at them to get out of the way, they may not be able to do anything about it. Well worth avoiding.